Today was a Bad Day
Today was a bad, bad day.
Started out waking with the usual agony. Getting off to work was a dismal failure. So I opted to work from home. Forgot my meds till lunchtime so I was in agony, and starting to withdraw - hot and cold sweats, light headed etc. Went to my pre-op nerve conduction test and was told the 2 of the nerves my surgeon wanted to use to transfers were crap. Cried all the way home then tried to keep working.
I spent the late afternoon feeling full of self pity. Felt bad for affecting my husband’s life. Felt bad for my daughter cause I’m needy now. Doubted all my future plans. Felt like all the costs and time spent on medical stuff is a waste of time because the bottom line is that my arm will never be normal anyway. Realised that my wrist and forearm are getting thin. My shoulder and upper arm look weird cause of the subluxation and muscle wastage. I guess everything just got on top of me and really, I just felt like I wish I wasn’t alive. Like it would be nice to go to sleep and not wake up.
I laid down on the couch to rest and fell asleep. I was woken up a couple of hours later by my husband. He had prepared and cooked dinner and my daughter helped set everything out. I must have been really out of it not to wake up with the noise going on in the kitchen. We all ate dinner together and afterwards I lay back again and silently cried it all out. I tried to hide it from them. But my husband noticed and he came and held me and let me blubber all my feelings out. (a rare thing for him) He reassured me that he wasn’t going anywhere and that we are a team that can get through all this. He said all the right things and I love him dearly for it. I can’t believe how hard I was sobbing. So hard the my sinus’ swelled up and gave me a headache and I couldn’t breathe properly lol. Then of course I felt pathetic for losing my cool. I usually manage to keep it all in and soldier on.
Anyway, tomorrow is another day. Surgeon appointment tomorrow. Wonder whether he’ll only be able to 2 out or 4 transfers now. I really really hope he can do all 4 in one operation!
Fingers crossed till tomorrow! Hmmm I really need to spend some time working on my Brachial Plexus Injury Australia network tomorrow too!
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