• Brachial Girl

I've got nothing

Well. I’ve just got no fight left. Neither has my husband.

We cannot see any way possible, other than winning lotto or something, to save our financial situation. Even if we started earning great money now, we wouldn’t be able to catch up quickly enough to avoid legal actions brought on by the organisations we owe money to. Bankruptcy would get rid of most creditors, but we’d still need to pay rent, electricity, gas, water, some form of phone, some form of vehicle so my husband can tow his work trailer and his rather large mandatory child support. It’s tearing us apart. We love each so much. We have been through so many other things, this current mess being the worst.

My daughter’s about to move out to go to university. If I lose my husband too, I’ll have absolutely no reason to hang on anymore. I’ll never be rid of this pain. I’ll never have normal use of my arm. I’ll never be able to hold down a normal, good paying job. I’ll never be able to buy a house. I have no family in Perth. Very few friends, and no friends who are close by for regular contact. But, they would both be better off without me. No more worrying, helping, stressing or feeling responsible.

I see no future for me at all. No purpose. No need. No nothing. No reason, purpose or task to get out of bed for each day.

I guess I’ll just let everything unfold. Watch the last few things I have disappear. Find myself alone and unable to financially support myself. Be hungry. Slowly go mad. End up on the street. And then just disappear. That’s the only path I see. And believe me, I’m a rebel and fighter by nature. I always find a way to solve problems. Always. My whole life I’ve fought until I got through whatever it was. I’ve overcome so many things. But this time, after 6 months of looking, researching, fighting, trying, etc …. there’s nothing left to try. It’s not my nature to walk away from anything. To let anything external destroy my family or relationships. But this is all out of my control now.

Brachial Girl - sadness

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