• Brachial Girl

Sadness and Frustration

I’m having a rough time emotionally right now. I feel like I cause my husband and daughter so much stress. I’m in a weird place. The pain seems worse lately. It makes me not want to do my exercises. I need help with a lot of them, but my husband and daughter are so busy with their own things that I don’t know how to ask. And when I do, I get the help, but I can see it’s an annoyance to them to stop what they are doing and help me swing my arm around etc. I’m always tired. I’m now clumsy and slow. I drop things, break things, I trip over things. I overbalance all the time and though I haven’t told my family, I have so many near misses. Almost daily I almost fall over and I can’t break my own fall anymore. My heart skips a beat and I just manage to grab something to stop the fall.

Anyway, I’m stuck in this house all day everyday. I want to chat to my husband and daughter when they get home but they are busy/stressed or just want to zone out. When I try to talk to them, it’s clear I’m annoying them.

They don’t mean it. But the whole useless arm, pain and being unable to work all adds up to make me feel pretty useless. And although I can achieve lots of things, like being able to cook, and do clothes washing, and bits of housework …oh and build the occasional ikea shelf, for the most part, I feel like a burden. I need more help than I like to admit.

Some days, I just want to go back to bed and sleep. Oh and speaking of sleep, the medication makes have the weirdest sleep patterns. Especially just before dinner. I fall asleep and it’s like I’m delirious. My family speak to me, and I’m aware, and I know I need to get up and cook dinner or drive to the shop to get something for dinner, but I just can’t make my body move.

Some days my arm feels like a lump of concrete. Hanging there. Distorting the way I look. Sending horrendous pain and sensations through me. Ruining my life. Ruining the life of my family. I don’t shower and wash my hair nearly as often as I should. … I do wash myself regularly of course. But I just feel unkempt. Unwashed messy hair, no makeup, pyjamas or daggy clothes. I feel yuck. I feel ugly. I feel like an annoying problem for everyone.

My husband gets it. He completely understands how I feel and how much help I really need. The way he helps me get in and out of the car, or gets ups in the mornings to get my pain killers for me. He knows I can do those things. But he does them for me anyway. My daughter, well I don’t think she truly understands the magnitude of my situation. Sometimes I think she does, but I actually think she blocks it out so she can get on with her life of final high school exams and planning her travels and university and her move into an adult life. And really, although I need and want her to do more for me and around the house, I really don’t blame her for blocking it out so she can focus on her own things. I don’t want her burdened with my unfortunate circumstances. My husband either. So I try to do everything I used to. Try and fail, mostly. lol.

It’s not all doom and gloom though. For the most part I’m fine. I accept my situation. I just have to throw myself into the things I can do. Like helping my husband with his business, doing the cooking and washing, and doing little things to beautify our home. It’s just so different to the satisfaction I got from working as a document controller, solving problems and negotiating and stepping up to lead meetings etc. I’ve spent my whole life working, and knowing that I could never handle being a housewife. I thrived on the stresses of the corporate environment. I even thrived on the challenges of working full time and also being the housewife.

I feel like I must annoy everyone I talk to, because although I stay smiling and positive and active and strong etc, conversation always comes back to my arm, our financial situation or what have you been up to lately. And I’m afraid I only have depressing answers really. Not much fun for people to hear.

I don’t think my family, husband, daughter, parents, cousins etc, any of them, read this blog. Well not unless I share an achievement post via Facebook. That doesn’t upset me. I guess it’s just not a part of their day to day. And why should it be hehe. How awful to read this or think about your poor daughter, sister, cousin, wife or mother. hehehe Especially my husband and daughter, they hear and see quite enough!

Enough of this depressed whinging. I’ll get over it. I’m just in a low spell. It will pass. And I’ll despise myself for being this pathetic today. But that’s also why I’m writing this. Because the way I’m feeling is part of my brachial plexus injury adventure. And I feel the whole story should be shared. Not just my physical recovery, or the achievements I have. The pain and emotional lows and the self pity or self loathing is all a part of it too.

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